THE SCOTSMAN TODAY
New Zealanders play fast and loose with laws

JOHN BEATTIE

THAT'S it then. The most unsuccessful Lions tour of New Zealand for 22 years. I wonder what shower went there in 1983? What do you mean one of them now writes for The Scotsman? Anyway, let's move on sharply.

And somehow it never caught the imagination in the way we thought it might. Part of it is because the Lions were poor, but much of it was because the All Blacks are blatantly cynical and if that's the future of the game then count me out. They can be brilliant, yes, but they actually do the game a disservice as well.

I know I should be elated at the quality of the rugby the All Blacks displayed because some of it was sublime, I know I should be happy in a perverted way that no Scots were tainted by the performances, and I know some of the games were fantastic, but deep inside this tour left me dismayed. Why? Well, those tried and tested tactics of intimidation and cheating undoubtedly helped New Zealand.

It all starts with a load of nonsense called the Haka. The word Haka, if you didn't know, means "you stand there gawping while we get very revved up and try to put you off your game". Much as I like my culture, the Haka is a bit of tomfoolery modified over the years to aid one side to get ready. All Blacks in the 1970s would mumble about "tins of tomatoes" and then jump in the air as they didn't know the words, but Roy Laidlaw and I stayed up late one night in '83 to learn the words and for 20 years they have stayed the same while the actions changed a fair bit.

It's a public pump up, and is only fair if both sides can do one. Perhaps the Scots might slap an Arbroath smoky across the face of every opponent before games.

But more seriously than that, the All Blacks have always been the world experts in gaining an unfair edge which is why you don't get too many fawning articles written about their style of play. From Andy Haden and Frank Oliver's public self propulsion from a lineout in Cardiff nearly 30 years ago to Zinzan Brooke's "lazy runner" dance coming back on side with his hands in the air and directly in the line of the scrum half's pass, New Zealand players have ridden closest to every offside line whether real or metaphorical.

Sean Fitzpatrick, well spoken and motivational, at times thought he was actually the referee and he and Brooke seemed to get in each others' way in their efforts to arrive back on side with the maximum of fuss and obstruction.

The Kiwis obstructed players as they ran back to their positions, grabbed jerseys at ruck time to prevent support, dived over the ball in defence, and would happily give away three points rather than five. And their local referees helped them from the very first game.

The biggest problem for world rugby, though, is the neck-high tackle and there was a certain moronic pride among Kiwi fans and players on this tour when their heavies, especially Jerry Collins, slammed in. You only lay players out if you get chin high. I think part of the reason the Lions players were quite so pathetic ball in hand is that they knew they might just lose their heads if they ran at the wrong bloke.

If you replay lineouts you see men being taken out by both teams in the dummy run-and-jump stage, you see scrums being collapsed and heaven knows who did them, and you see players being hit very hard and in exposed parts of their bodies when they are hardly part of play, and I have to say you see a cynicism from the New Zealanders - even in their midweek sides - that's depressing.

Part of what the All Blacks do makes you look on in wonder, another makes you wonder if they might actually kill the game. It was fascinating, but sometimes for all the wrong reasons. Bitter? You're right, just maybe.

This article was posted on 11-Jul-2005, 07:25 by Hugh Barrow.